Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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