A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i think i just lost a toe
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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