She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
