So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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