You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We're too hungover to prance.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
