you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
