Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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