I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
