it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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