Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
