i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
