Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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