why didn't you poke me back
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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