During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
