I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
