Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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