I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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