I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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