No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
