the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
