okay pat passed out under dana's car
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
