On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
