I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
