he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
