if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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