hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize