I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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