i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
