ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
