I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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