I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
