went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
