I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
