things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Two words: blizzard sex
my liver is dry heaving
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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