I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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