What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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