my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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