I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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