why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
