I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize