Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
