I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You are the jesus of drinking
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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