I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
