hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
