I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
