dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
