This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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