mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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