did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
