You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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