I faked an abortion last night.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
