tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
