Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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