I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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