My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
