in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize