..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
