I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
