now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
