haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
