i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
